Eulogy
Apr
'07
“I hope it relieves some of your stress to not have to worry about cuddling with me at work anymore.”
“It might, but I’m going to miss you.”
“I’ll miss you, too.”
“I mean, as much pressure as there was, it was still nice to be able to walk up to you in an aisle and put my arms around you, even just for two seconds.”
***
Thursday was my last day at Books-A-Million. I stood in the back room, alone, and looked around me at all the corners I’d spent my last year or so. The desks where I’d eat my lunch every day, staring quietly forward as I listened in on others’ conversations, or reading - I read a lot of good books over this year. Some of those were directly due to working at this bookstore. I’d written down their titles as I was shelving shipment, or I’d find the time to really study the newer books and find one interesting. Brief Encounters with Che Guevara, a hardcover copy of which I stared at day after day, thinking, “this looks really interesting, but I don’t know if I want to buy it.” The moment it came into paperback, it found my hands first. I bought it that day, and now it’s one of my favorite books. The back room was never kept clean or tidy as much as we tried, and it had this awful smell attached to it that couldn’t be pinpointed: I suppose it was a mixture of smells from shipment and cafe trash, the disgusting habits of our customers thrown away in the bathroom, and our own inability to grow up and change the garbage bags. I saw them replace two refridgerators, one of which used to have a poster magnetized to the front - every associate was to claim a section as “theirs” and keep it in order and looking pretty. I think they stopped this right before I arrived to work there, but nonetheless, it became such a familiar sight that when that refridgerator was replaced I was almost hesitant to put anything in it. John Connolly’s Book of Lost Things only had to catch my attention twice before I purchased it, and I haven’t seen it in other bookstores despite browsing fiction sections. And I was the only person in our district (District 33) to buy a pre-sale voucher for Hannibal Rising the new Thomas Harris book which, I suppose, is a prequel to all the other Hannibal books. I haven’t read it yet, but there are still 100-some copies in the store. They told us that how many vouchers we sold was a direct influence on how many copies we got in the store, and to this day I don’t believe that at all. One voucher and over 100 copies, and it wasn’t even a bestseller for long.
A how we met story: Store 960. I remember seeing him reading in the audio section, and as I was standing at the customer service desk I kept thinking he’s cute, but I knew I didn’t have the guts to talk to him, especially not while working. I kept thinking I hope he comes back again so I could see him again. And then, to my surprise, Rick said to him “Michelle will tell you how to clock-in” and in all nervousness I made it sound as stupid as possible. The time clock website is very self-explanitory. It tells you how to do everything if it’s your first time. I walked away thinking, oh God, he’s working here, feeling embarrassed at myself even though there’s no way he could have known what I was just thinking about him…
And even though people discourage workplace romances, this was right. I remember once when we went to Silver Diner with a group of friends, he said something to the effect of, “guys, this is one of those nights that we’ll remember, and we’ll be telling our grandkids about some day.” Someone made jest of this comment, how silly and ridiculous it was to be thinking of telling his grandkids about some night out with friends, but I smiled and thought of how true that was, how some day my granddaughter would ask me about the boys I liked when I was her age, and I’d have to tell her about that night. Of course, that night I didn’t know he liked me back, so I just assumed this child would be from a future venture.
Books-A-Million will be that job for me, too: my “Empire Records job.” Rex Manning comes in the form of erotica-author signings. Each employee is his or her own character (not necessarily that of an Empire Records character, but in that they each have their own “thing” about them, much like the aunts and uncles in your family who always have stories to tell).
We all have such different perspectives on how to live that to give you a well-rounded description of my job day-to-day I’d have to describe every employee. But, frankly, I don’t want to do that.
I’m going to miss it, but I’m moving on to something that may or may not be so much better for me.
***
Today at my new job one of the regulars at Books-A-Million came in, Doris. She always sits in the cafe with her husband and they talk and read the newspaper and drink coffee. They stay there for at least an hour, sometimes talking to Rick or Ronnie or Martin or whoever happens to be in the general vicinity of the cafe. When she saw me counting books at the used bookstore I think she may have been taken aback for a moment. We only ever exchanged pleasantries, because while managers are allowed to stand and talk and look unprofessional at Books-A-Million, associates are not. She smiled politely and left and I felt a sort of closure.
***
I know I’ll miss working with Richard and these first few weeks will be very difficult. I, too, will miss those moments in the bookstore when he’d walk past and make kiss-faces at me, when we’d duck down into the religious section and he’d give me a passionate kiss, when he’d smile at me at the end of my shift and say “I love you” with such devotion that my heart would melt. If I think of it too much, I’ll probably miss it more, but I’ll hold onto those memories every day while I’m miles away.
This chapter in my life is over, and I will be bold and open to a new one.
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