inthelouvre.org

Answers That Annoy Me

Me: Do you have any trade credit?
Customer: No.
Me: *rings up sale* Your total will be $59.95.
Customer: *rummages through purse, pulls out a trade credit slip* I have this!

Me: Would you like a bag with that?
Customer: No, save a tree.

(We have plastic bags.)

Me: Would you like a bag with that?
Customer: No, save a plastic tree.

Customer: Can I get cash for these?
Me: We only take Nonfiction hardbacks, Classics like Dickens and Twain, and paperback Westerns for cash.
Customer: I have hardback fiction, does that count?

Customer: Do you have [this book]?
Me: That doesn’t sound familiar, do you know the author?
Customer: No.
Me: Do you know what kind of book it is?
Customer: No.
Me: Sorry, we don’t have a database to look up books.
Customer: *stares expectantly, as if I will pull a computer out of my pocket*

Customer: Do you have [this book]?
Me: That doesn’t sound familiar, do you know the author?
Customer: No.
Me: Do you know what kind of book it is?
Customer: It’s Nonfiction.
Me: … Do you know what section it would go in? Like, is it Psychology, Biology, Health, etc?
Customer: No.
Me: *thinking: seriously? you came into a used bookstore expecting us to find a book you know NOTHING about?*
Customer: It has a blue cover.
Me: *thinking: my GOD you solved all my life problems by knowing the color of your desired book! thank you!*

Customer: Do you have [this book]?
Me: That doesn’t sound familiar, do you know the author?
Customer: No.
Me: Do you know what kind of book it is?
Customer: I think i’s Nonfiction.
Me: … Do you know what section it would go in? Like, is it Psychology, Biology, Health, etc?
Customer: It’s like… Sherrilyn Kenyon and that stuff. Paranormal.
Me: *thinking: like FICTION you mean?*

Me: Do you have any trade credit with us?
Customer: No, I don’t, but can I use yours?

Customer: Hi, I’m looking for the book Gatsby by, I think, Fitzgerald? Do you have it?
Me: *grabs a copy of The Great Gatsby and hands it to customer*
Customer: *stares at me blankly* This isn’t what I was looking for. It’s just called Gatsby.

Gifts for Booklovers

Do you have a special bookseller in your life for whom you just don’t know what to get this year? Buying from a competing bookstore might be disrepsectful, you think, but you also don’t want to purchase her gift while she’s running the register. How about a librarian who spends more of her time renting books than shelving them on her home bookshelves? Last year you donated to literacy funds in her name, but this year you’d like to give her something more tangible. Or, quite simply, you have a buddy who reads non-stop and without hestitation, but it seems like he has every book known to man already piled around his apartment; you don’t want to buy him a double copy.

Here I’ve compiled a list of all the things I want for Christmas, and thus much of what some other book lovers might like. You’ll never again have to search alibris.com trying to find a first edition of his or her favorite book for less than $280.00 (although this also makes a memorable gift if you can afford it). Most of these are from Signals because, well, they have a lot of awesome book stuff, but you might be surprised what other cool things there are out there for book nerds!

For those of the visual nature who enjoy wall-hangings that say something, you can always try these bookseller related comics from cartoonstock.com. My favorite would have to be the picture of the clerk behind the desk responding to the irritated customer: “I’m sorry, Madam, that’s not much help - lots of books start ‘once upon a time!’” You may also consider any number of prints from the Unshelved comic strip, because although they are librarians, some situations are also so painfully true for booksellers.

Tote bags are always really wonderful gifts for those who tend to carry books with them. Most booklovers do; in fact, I will only purchase a purse if it is large enough to fit a hardcover book. These bags were made for teachers, but some are very brightly colored and clearly advertise the importance of reading, which is what presumably your booklover will be doing while sitting next to this beautiful bag you’ve purchased for her. You can also find a number of awesome prints on Cafepress; some that I like include this C.S. Lewis quote, “Life is Short…”, Super Librarian, Read More Books, Proust, Best Bookseller, and Owls.

That brings me to my next suggestion: Animals. A lot of booklovers also find affection for a certain animal; it’s usually just one, but some booklovers can be animal lovers in general, and be those kinds of people who have zoos in their homes. In my case, I love owls, and so do a lot of other booklovers, as the owl carries the symbolism of wisdom. Think Athena (or Minerva, if you prefer): her companion was a short-eared owl. In any case, there are a lot of really awesome owly things that you can purchase. This really awesome night owl shirt, for instance, is a perfect example of an acceptable gift. There’s also owl paintings (or this one), personalized gifts if, say, your booklover has a loved one, lighting, decoration, pick-me-ups, comfort wear, and even greeting cards. If you’re getting that last one, though, I’d suggest grabbing more than one order because your owl and booklover might want to keep some for herself!

Tshirts, another very general category which can include any number of possibilities. Your booklover might really want to show off her love of books and reading without carrying around the tote bag (some of them don’t even like tote bags). Primitivestate.com will allow you to translate any phrase into Braille, Morse code, Scrabble letters, or other combinations at their website and print a tshirt displaying that word. The Unshelved comic strip store has a number of prints available: My favorites are “Will work for books” and “Guess what I’m reading?” Of course, you can always resource Cafepress again for shirts such as Book Slut, Erasmus quote, as well as the famous Thomas Jefferson quote; however, I prefer the more successful-looking designs such as As Soon As I Finish This Chapter, Lead Me Not Into Temptation, and Ahh, Books.

Book accessories and other related items are also possibilities. Think: lap desks, back rests, reading lights, and book weights. You could even buy a package of highlighters for those who you know like to mark up books until the pages are almost falling out (in which case, I also would recommend some duct tape). Other book-toys include stickers, Bookopoloy, ornaments, plaques, sculptures, bookshelves, Liebrary, and others.

Stocking stuffers include bookmarks (or Bookmarks, if you prefer), pens, journals (including book journals, though spiral-bounds aren’t attractive to some), bookends (or Bookends, again, if you prefer), book plates, a gift certificate to his favorite bookstore, offering to pay all overdue library fines, or if your receiver is technologically inclined, perhaps she would enjoy Amazon’s Kindle.

Be forewarned that giving your booklover a book as a gift isn’t the best idea unless, a) you have a wishlist in hand, b) it’s the first edition mentioned above, or c) you want one of those fake “oh, thanks, I’ll be sure and read this right away,” responses which clearly indicate that your gift insulted his or her intelligence. Going on Amazon.com and finding the link that says “if you liked this, then you’ll like this” won’t cut it. Booklovers like hearing recommendations; they don’t like being forced into reading them. The same applies even if your booklover is a book collector, because part of the appeal of having books on one’s shelves is having books one can be proud of. Perhaps that is why your librarian borrows all of her books; she hasn’t yet found any worthy to grace her bookshelves. Please keep this in mind while shopping!

I hope this has been helpful, but I’d like to be honest here. I’ve made this as a wishlist post as well as anything else… But it is my hope that if anyone is trying to find their booklover friends bookish gifts, this post will be a bit of a help. No sense in being lost as to what to buy - there are plenty of possibilities! If nothing else, buy yourself a book from Betterworld.com and remind your friend that the proceeds go to literary funds worldwide!

Customer Comments

I’ve decided recently that I really don’t have “customer humor.” These are people who come in to your workplace and stare at you until you ask what they want, and then say things like, “Do you have my book?” As you stare at them in confusion, heat rises up your neck while your stomach suddenly becomes uncontrollably nauseated, and a comical smile forms across their face. “D-Did you put a book on hold?” you ask, uncomfortable with this entire situation and not entirely feeling yourself. “No, I want to know if you have the book I want. Can’t you read my mind?” they reply with a laugh that says they think they’re absolutely brilliant, completely clever in a way that no one could ever match. Immediately, you hate them.

Or at least I do.

I don’t have that line of humor. I can’t bring myself to laugh at “save a tree!” when you decline a plastic bag. My previous job sold discount cards to customers and after asking if they had one, they’d say, “No, I don’t have one, but can I use yours?” surely thinking they are the only person ever to have said this, and Oh My God, how hilarious they are. And when you respond that, no, only employees can use the discount, they continue harassing you about being “the one” who gives the money for your paycheck, and being “the one” who is worthy of your cheating… just this once. Sometimes they take it so far as to call you inconsiderate. Are they still joking? I could never tell.

And you know what? It’s not my job to clean up after you. Part of it, yes, but not all of it, and it’s annoying that you think saying, “It’s their job to realphabetize this!” is a good excuse for completely fucking up an entire section of books. I don’t get paid to spend 45 minutes fixing your mess, ignoring the long list of other things I have to get done. I understand if you don’t know exactly where you got that book, but instead of laying it across the nearest shelf to you, why don’t you either A, put it back in the general vicinity from where you got it, or B - and this is a completely novel idea, I assure you - bring it to the front desk, apologzingly: “I don’t remember where I got this, but I don’t want to mess up your organization.” We won’t hate you. In fact, we’ll appreciate it so much that we might even wish you a “wonderful” day instead of a “nice” one.

I don’t like that laugh that says “I’ve made a joke.” I don’t like that look that says “I’m not being serious, but I wouldn’t refuse.” I don’t like stupid comments like, “You haven’t read this? What do you do all day?” Hey, just because I work with books doesn’t mean that I have to have read all of them, or for that matter, doesn’t mean I have to want to. Maybe, I don’t know, maybe I just don’t like working in customer service anymore. I am tired of having to humor idiots.

Eulogy

“I hope it relieves some of your stress to not have to worry about cuddling with me at work anymore.”

“It might, but I’m going to miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too.”

“I mean, as much pressure as there was, it was still nice to be able to walk up to you in an aisle and put my arms around you, even just for two seconds.”

***

Thursday was my last day at Books-A-Million. I stood in the back room, alone, and looked around me at all the corners I’d spent my last year or so. The desks where I’d eat my lunch every day, staring quietly forward as I listened in on others’ conversations, or reading - I read a lot of good books over this year. Some of those were directly due to working at this bookstore. I’d written down their titles as I was shelving shipment, or I’d find the time to really study the newer books and find one interesting. Brief Encounters with Che Guevara, a hardcover copy of which I stared at day after day, thinking, “this looks really interesting, but I don’t know if I want to buy it.” The moment it came into paperback, it found my hands first. I bought it that day, and now it’s one of my favorite books. The back room was never kept clean or tidy as much as we tried, and it had this awful smell attached to it that couldn’t be pinpointed: I suppose it was a mixture of smells from shipment and cafe trash, the disgusting habits of our customers thrown away in the bathroom, and our own inability to grow up and change the garbage bags. I saw them replace two refridgerators, one of which used to have a poster magnetized to the front - every associate was to claim a section as “theirs” and keep it in order and looking pretty. I think they stopped this right before I arrived to work there, but nonetheless, it became such a familiar sight that when that refridgerator was replaced I was almost hesitant to put anything in it. John Connolly’s Book of Lost Things only had to catch my attention twice before I purchased it, and I haven’t seen it in other bookstores despite browsing fiction sections. And I was the only person in our district (District 33) to buy a pre-sale voucher for Hannibal Rising the new Thomas Harris book which, I suppose, is a prequel to all the other Hannibal books. I haven’t read it yet, but there are still 100-some copies in the store. They told us that how many vouchers we sold was a direct influence on how many copies we got in the store, and to this day I don’t believe that at all. One voucher and over 100 copies, and it wasn’t even a bestseller for long.

A how we met story: Store 960. I remember seeing him reading in the audio section, and as I was standing at the customer service desk I kept thinking he’s cute, but I knew I didn’t have the guts to talk to him, especially not while working. I kept thinking I hope he comes back again so I could see him again. And then, to my surprise, Rick said to him “Michelle will tell you how to clock-in” and in all nervousness I made it sound as stupid as possible. The time clock website is very self-explanitory. It tells you how to do everything if it’s your first time. I walked away thinking, oh God, he’s working here, feeling embarrassed at myself even though there’s no way he could have known what I was just thinking about him…

And even though people discourage workplace romances, this was right. I remember once when we went to Silver Diner with a group of friends, he said something to the effect of, “guys, this is one of those nights that we’ll remember, and we’ll be telling our grandkids about some day.” Someone made jest of this comment, how silly and ridiculous it was to be thinking of telling his grandkids about some night out with friends, but I smiled and thought of how true that was, how some day my granddaughter would ask me about the boys I liked when I was her age, and I’d have to tell her about that night. Of course, that night I didn’t know he liked me back, so I just assumed this child would be from a future venture.

Books-A-Million will be that job for me, too: my “Empire Records job.” Rex Manning comes in the form of erotica-author signings. Each employee is his or her own character (not necessarily that of an Empire Records character, but in that they each have their own “thing” about them, much like the aunts and uncles in your family who always have stories to tell).

We all have such different perspectives on how to live that to give you a well-rounded description of my job day-to-day I’d have to describe every employee. But, frankly, I don’t want to do that.

I’m going to miss it, but I’m moving on to something that may or may not be so much better for me.

***

Today at my new job one of the regulars at Books-A-Million came in, Doris. She always sits in the cafe with her husband and they talk and read the newspaper and drink coffee. They stay there for at least an hour, sometimes talking to Rick or Ronnie or Martin or whoever happens to be in the general vicinity of the cafe. When she saw me counting books at the used bookstore I think she may have been taken aback for a moment. We only ever exchanged pleasantries, because while managers are allowed to stand and talk and look unprofessional at Books-A-Million, associates are not. She smiled politely and left and I felt a sort of closure.

***

I know I’ll miss working with Richard and these first few weeks will be very difficult. I, too, will miss those moments in the bookstore when he’d walk past and make kiss-faces at me, when we’d duck down into the religious section and he’d give me a passionate kiss, when he’d smile at me at the end of my shift and say “I love you” with such devotion that my heart would melt. If I think of it too much, I’ll probably miss it more, but I’ll hold onto those memories every day while I’m miles away.

This chapter in my life is over, and I will be bold and open to a new one.

Inside the Mind of a Bookseller

Today I spent the entire day comping (putting in order alphabetically and by subject) the Reference section at the bookstore. I’d started this project last Monday, moving shelves so that they matched across the entire row and then comping the Wedding section. Yesterday I finished from Etiquette through Sign Language, and today I got through Foreign Languages and Dictionaries.

We have a “Libros en Espaniol” section. It was awful. It was like doing an entire section’s worth of shipment and having to put it all in the correct place without any books on the shelf to guide me. To be honest, I liked it, and I felt accomplished afterward; however, the Spanish-speaking population of our customers avoided the section (politely) while I was working on it, but as soon as I finished, they attacked it like ravenous crows waiting for slim pickin’s. I understand. That section is never in order, and finally they could browse their language in peace without having to figure out why Phil McGraw is shelved next to Isabel Allende, and why either of these books are included in the Children’s subcategory. I could see the excitment across one woman’s face (a regular) as she dove for The Alchemist, previously lost behind the one Spanish-language art book about Africa. It’s those smiles of appreciation that keep me going.

By the end of the day (which was only an hour ago), I wager, that section is out of order; perhaps (and hopefully) not as bad as it was, but I wonder sometimes if we comp in vain. Liana, our kids specialist, puts a lot of work into the kid’s section - keeping it in order, bringing in new ideas about where sections should go (based on shelfspace and customer convenience), etc - but every time we work together, there’s always that “why do I do this?” conversation.

Why do we do this? I’ll tell you. It makes it easier for us to find books. The average customer walks in and sees a shelf full of books. They don’t see a shelf that’s alphabetically in order, they don’t see the prettiness of a recently comped section with straightened books and even numbers of face-outs. They just see a whole bunch of books. Browsers find the books they want based on covers (and in this way, face-outs are necessary) and those looking for specific books usually end up leaving unhappy or asking for help. Why? Because despite the fact that, yes, VC Andrews is shelved right next to Mary Kay Andrews, as it should be, this customer only sees VC Andrews books because Oh My God there are a lot of them. Despite the brightness of Mary Kay Andrews’ covers and the way they stand out in a sea of VC Andrews (most of our VC Andrews books are mass markets, whereas Mary Kay Andrews are hardcovers and trade paperbacks), this customer is not going to see Savannah Blues because she is lazy and doesn’t want to try that hard.

And yet, they tell us we’re comping sections because it makes it easier for customers to find books. I still get the question, “Are these in order by author or title?” I can’t wait for the day when someone comes in and asks if the books are ordered by size.

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