Pipe Dreams
Mar
'08
I was just thinking now about this time last year and the year before (and probably the year before that, too). I was full of all kinds of hopes and dreams, thoughts, ideals, commentary, and general sillyness. In 2006, I sounded smarter than I do now, but I read less and watched more crappy television. I had ambitions that extended beyond my current circumstances; I even gave myself choices for my future. I made several thoughtful online journal entries every week, instead of just the sporadic few which you see now on this thing. I’m not even sure why I have this thing anymore, except to show off my general awesomeness and write about books.
It’s a weird feeling for me not to feel stuck, not to feel like I’m not going anywhere. It’s strange knowing what I want to do and being happy with the way things are going. I feel most creative when there is uncertainty, sadness, and fear. Those Sunday Scribblings you all seem to like to read I am currently forcing myself to gut out because I don’t feel like writing anything else. I have ideas for painting and projects, but I don’t want to activate. I’d rather curl up on my green chair and read - dive into someone else’s creativity - even if it means that I fall asleep for a few minutes, waking up to see Richard’s smiling eyes, his head propped against his hand while he stares into my dreams.
When I was in college, I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to do when I got out, but I knew, just knew, that I was going to go to graduate school and continue my studies in folklore. I dreamed of visiting Swettenham, England, where my family came from, and writing a book (probably self-published and of little interest to anyone but my family) about the folklore and traditions in the area. I dreamt of all-expense paid trips to Peru and Wales and Tokyo just to ask people to tell me stories so I could compare and contrast them in extensive essays. I was so lost and confused. I also wanted to be a teacher. And a copyeditor. And a bookstore owner. I sometimes found myself crying at night because I simply didn’t know what my life purpose was.
Now, however, I sometimes find myself crying at night because I’m not in that place any longer. I have hope and ambition for my future, but it’s a different feeling alltogether. It’s new and I don’t like it as much as the other one, because at least I was used to that. When I was 4 I wanted to be Bugs Bunny when I grew up. The uncertainty of whether or not that would ever actually happen was delightful.
I find my most happiness at work. Even with my nose stuck in a book, I’m secretly thinking of organizing and alphabetizing, labelling popular authors, and most often, fictitious conversations with customers about the book my nose is in. I want to read several books from each section of the store just so when people come in and say, “Hey, I like Stephen King and Michael Connolly, what do you recommend?” I can reply with a response other than, “Well, I don’t read horror or crime, but these mysteries are really good.” I get more excited when a customer asks for a book I’ve read than when I read a book a customer previously asked about. I want to share something with these people, a previously existing similarity that will tell me inside, deep down: You’re not alone in this.
It’s a weird conflicting feeling to be content with where I am and where I’m going, yet feel compelled to return to what I once was.
My mom regularly sends links to me from USAJobs.com and other such websites. She wants me to get a better-paying job, to do something with my 4-year degree. I never went to school to get a job, though. I went to learn, to experience, and to identify myself. Now that it’s over, and all those goals have been accomplished, I wish that I’d had a few more unresolved issues. Sometimes I think about applying to get into the publishing business just because of this. I don’t want to; it’s not a dream.
I already have my dream job.
So what do I do now?
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this is where you sit back and relax? lol.
i’m still stuck in that uncertainty.. esp since i found out a few weeks ago my cozy little call center is closing. Now i’m allllll about the panic of looking for a new job >
Mar
'08
omggggg. i accidentally used a close tag when trying to make a funny face and it cut my whole long rambly comment. (sadface)!
anyways, what i basically said was..
my life feels so hectic right now and my question to you isn’t “what are you going to do now?” but rather, “please tell me how you got there?!”. cause i feel so lost…
anywaaaays. *hugs* i’m glad things are so copasetic ^^ (which is one of my favorite words btw).
and lasssstly, you were a bit of inpsiration for my next comic! but you have to wait till tomorrow. tee hee ^^
Mar
'08
Ooh Michelle, I know what it is like to be feeling what you are feeling. I would talk with your mother and explain to her why you like your job and why you choose to stay in it right now. Let her know that you are thankful for the websites, but at the moment you are happy in the job you are at.
Are you sure that you are just not restless? There is nothing wrong with your ambition and plans changing, Michelle. Mine has changed completely from when I was in college.
It really sounds to me, Michelle, like you are having a small touch of being restless & feeling like you are being pulled in different directions.
If you are happy at work, then there is nothing wrong with that. Consider yourself lucky. How many people in this world are stuck in jobs that they hate? Personally, I would give anything to have your job. When I could work I applied to so many jobs that were in book stores that I lost count, but I never got hired. Personally, I think the owners were just afraid that I would be reading all the time, lol.
I wouldn’t worry about your online sites. As a suggestion since you think you are neglecting some of them, why don’t you combine some of them? Just a suggestion.
I do suggest that you read books from all genres. There are some wonderful books out there. But it is very hard to step outside you know realms of books. If you want give me a list of genres that you haven’t read yet, & I will try & come up with some good books for you to try. This is, of course, just a suggestion.
Hang in there, Michelle. It will get better. You may just be in a funk right now. Please keep me updated. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Sorry about the length. When my friends have problems, I try to help.
Mar
'08
Hev, I have combined some of my sites into this one because I wasn’t updating all of them. The others are fine as side projects, but I do wish sometimes that I had the same long, thoughtful, interesting posts for inthelouvre.org that I used to have when I was in college. It’s okay that I don’t, though.
Well, let’s see, I haven’t read very much war/military fiction, political/spy thrillers, adventure, westerns, crime, or contemporary romance. I haven’t read a lot of horror except for vampire novels… I’m not interested in historical romance unless it’s set in Ancient Rome… I am going to read more paranormal/time travel soon (a certain something I’m sure you’ll be happy I’m giving a chance!).
I am trying to expand my horizons, but it’s true, I generally get stuck in the “modern classic” type of stuff - Pulitzer Prize winners and books that are filled with brilliant ideas.
It’s my favorite genre, what can I say?
Mar
'08
No one is on my case to do better. I sometimes wish that they would have been. When I was younger I had planned to not have kids, have a nice hime, etc by the time I was 28 (that is 6 months away). Instead I have a 10, 8, & 6 year old sons. I rent & I have no car. I dunno what else to do so I keep doing what I have been doing. Maybe you should do what you want to do. Whenever someone tells me their parents are buggin them to get a better job I ask, “Do they support you?” if they do listen, if not do what you want. You are where you want to be & that is all that really matters. I would rather be poor & happy then rich & miserable.
Mar
'08
My parents do the exact same thing. I am so very happy in my current job right now but they keep sending me MORE links to MORE jobs. Nothing I say will sway them, especially if the job in question is closer to where they live and seems more “prominent” than my current one.
I know parents just want the best for their kids…but seriously, you’d think after raising us for decades they’d be able to tell when we’re truly happy, right?
I agree with Jessica when I’d rather be poor and happy than rich and miserable. I do believe there are lame steps you need to take to reach your dreams…but if you’re already SO close to (or right where) you love to be, then you should be able to enjoy it fully.
You do what you WANT to do, Michelle, because ultimately that is what is going to make you truly happy and satisfied in life.
Mar
'08